‘Are You A Fangirl?’ aka DASH & The ‘Fangurls’ Redux

I’m reposting something (bad unoriginal blogger me) but mostly because it so accurately describes something like my DASH experience. The author could have been talking about some of VDO’s ‘fans’ (some of whom call themselves ‘vixens’ for reasons unknown to me) especially when it comes to the negativity-avoidance and excessive use of emoticons/smileys in posts, the expectations by the ‘fangurl’/’vixens’ that the idol should conform to the fangurl’s own values (aka VDO used to smoke, may occasionally drink alcohol, has been through two divorces, and sometimes swears in media interviews — so what?), the fixation with the use of the word ‘jealous’ (“gee that person writing the VDOVault blog must be *jealous* of those of us who got phone calls from ‘Vincent’ and she *didn’t* and is only blogging because she’s *jealous* that we know ‘Vincent’ better than she does and still all hang out together at DASH and other VDO fan boards having the same conversations ad nauseum…”), and the limited number of topics on which fangurls post repeatedly and offer nothing new in the way of insight (such as ‘which is VDO’s sexiest/hottest/most shaggable character?’). 

The only significant differences I have noted from the ‘fangurls’ of the article is that many of the ‘vixen’/’fangurls’ don’t avoid discussing VDO’s exwives and children (except of course at DASH where it was a rule punishable by exile that such postings and topics of conversation were not to take place while ‘Vincent’ was present in chats and posts of said nature were strongly discouraged so that ‘Vincent”s feelings would be spared (interestingly, they failed to ban instant messages to anyone other than ‘Vincent’ on those topics — I know because I received a few unsolicited ones). And I haven’t noticed massive signatures but then again I would say that VDO ‘fangurls’ are chronologically older than the fangurls discussed in the article below. It’s a nice question as to just how mature any of them are though ;-) 

Appropriately snarky music ‘Good Girls Don’t’ by The Knack

Are You A Fangirl?  

originally posted at http://www.mrsgiggles.com/movies/fangirl_stuff.html

Fangirls are serious people not to be messed with. Who are fangirls? They are people who take their fan thingie way too seriously. You can find them at Fanforum.com and miscellaneous fansites, and they are usually female. There’s a saying that most fangirls are between 10 to 25 years of age, but I won’t be surprised if fangirls can come in all ages. It’s hard to define the meaning of the term “fangirl”, but they can be spotted coming a mile away because they are all like sheep and be counted on to act like one. 

Here’s top ways you can detect a fangirl from her posts. 

She doesn’t like talking about “negativity”
See, she believes that her idol will be reading these posts of everybody’s, and she knows said idol will be horrified, just horrified, to discover nasty things spoken on an insignificant board idols probably have no idea exist. She will hush everyone who even dares say anything remotely negative. Most tell-tale is how she will pop up in a thread, say “Why Roswell is going downhill?” and start raising a fuss. “What if my darling Jason Behr is reading? Won’t he be SHOCKED? SHOCKED, I tell you!” 

And a fangirl always apologizes before saying anything remotely different from the flock. Example? “I apologize if I offend anyone because I know I am just a fan and I hope the fangirl moderators won’t ban me but I think this is something I must say even if it kills me because you know I am still a Dreamer to the day I die – MaxNLiz4eva!!! Down with Tess that bitch! LizNMax4eva!!! – but I just want to say this, but before I do, I hope you people will forgive me because I know I am a stupid piece of smelly stuff, and I am sorry to have to say this, but, don’t you think Liz’s mascara is a bit on the heavy side?” 

Fangirl expects her idols to conform to her values
Nothing reveals a fangirl’s true colors better than to tell her that her idol smokes. “Smoking is bad! Cancer! I will love him foreva but I will be soooo disappointed if he smokes *insert some jumping sad face smilie here*!” 

Incidentally, fangirls’ values are strictly and embarrassingly WASPy – they can’t stand beards, mustaches, smoking or drinking habits, and they cannot grasp the notion of alternative sexualities. Their idols must be straight, non-smoking, non-drinking, non-swearing boring forkbreads. Tell them otherwise and they will go into denial. 

A dead-on fangirl always reply to negative news of her idol in print with a “Interviews and quotes are always misquoted by the jealous press, and I won’t believe until Mariah Carey herself comes out and admits that she is a drugged-up, alcoholic, hysterical has-been who needs depression treatment!” 

Needless to say, they really expect their idol to come clean to them. 

Fangirl can’t live without smilies
One of the consequence of living in the flock is that you don’t even dare to offend anyone. So every sentence has to end with a jumping smiling pink thing. After fangirls have no sense of humor – you have to tell them that you are joking by putting a at the end of every sentence. 

Whoever doesn’t do that gets a reprimand icon from other fangirls. Fangirls MUST be shown how they must feel. It’s the way of the sheep. They wouldn’t understand irony or sarcasm if they bite them in the butt. 

Fangirl loves big, big signature threads
As most fangirl forums are powered by Infopop that allows large attachments to one’s signatures, fangirls tend to put at least two big photos or screencaps, a long list of said idol’s quotes, and their fansite banner. Sometimes there are threads where the signatures combined are longer than the actual discussions. Combine smilie overkill with signature overdose, and fangirl forums may just cause your 23K modem to explode to flames. 

Fangirl loves the word jealous
Any critic of their idol is jealous. Or jealus, jealouse, jelus, jeallous, jeallouse… So jealous are the critics because the fangirls’ idol are successful, or good-looking, or has a nice haircut. Critics are just dying inside that this idol has starred in fifteen straight-to-video movies, fourteen of which consists of said idol running bare-breasted in grassy molls for ten minutes until she is dismembered by a badly made-up freak with a chainsaw. 

Typical responses to intelligent debate by fangirls include “I’d like to see you record an album and be as big as Westlife!”, “I’d like to see you make a TV series and be as big as Chris Carter!” In short, fangirls believe that just because you don’t sleep your way to the top, buy yourself a recording gig, or aren’t talentless teenyboppers who can only use your pretty faces and aerobicized bodies for your fifteen minutes of fame (I’m looking at you, Carson Daly), you must be jealous of these idols’ great talents. 

Fangirls come in packs, so expect multiple flames when you stump them with your wit and quips and they can’t find a good comeback. 

Fangirl starts the same threads in every forum
A good example is the ubiquitous “*Idol’s name* Appreciation Thread” which can span into multiple parters. These threads are nothing more than people leaching the bandwidths of unsuspecting websites by posting pictures of their favorite idol in question. I do confess I enjoy these threads, especially the shirtless David Boreanaz picture threads in the Fanforum, but there is nothing creepier than a bunch of obviously horny fangirls trying to suppress their libido to be “nice” and talking about that naked hunk’s, er, talent instead. 

Fangirl thinks of her idols as exclusively hers
By this, I mean they refuse, absolutely refuse to discuss their idol’s private life. Commendable act? Nah. See, they just don’t want to hear about their idol’s love life. How else would you explain a simple question like “Say, does Jason Behr smoke?” (everybody knows he does) getting a flock of vultures looking uncannily like fangirls descending on you to screech that Personal Discussions Of Idols Are Not Allowed. They’re rather believe that their idol is just there, waiting for their pure, asexual fangirl love (at least they are too hypocritical to admit that they want to shag their idol) rather than to enjoy the sleazy, good skank vibes of groupies. 

In this way, fangirls also pride themselves as morally superior to any one of their idol’s girlfriends, which by default must be skanks because everyone knows their idol is waiting for them – fangirls – to love! Or if these fangirls will never have their idols, anyone who does must be skanks. Unless, of course, these girlfriends are homely, not-blonde, and have a virginal look to them (an image most fangirl believe themselves take after), by then these fangirls will gush and coo over them. It’s always amusing that these fangirls either gush at the same time or they rip apart their idols’ girlfriends of the month – no inbetween. As usual, the lone dissenter or two will be silenced with a lot of finger-wagging smilies. 

But… 

Fangirl is good for one thing
Get your mind out of the gutter. Besides, there’s no way these fangirls will give out to you. They are good for one thing, however – they will know anything you want to know about their idol. They make a great source for pictures for that screensaver you are making. If anyone has that rare picture of Hugh Jackman naked, the fangirls will be your best hope. (By the way, I asked – no luck there.) Fangirl packs will also sniff out the very celebrity him or herself, and while conversations will then plunge into the abysmal (Fangirl #1: LOVE YOU FOREVER!!!, Idol: Thanks!, Fangirl #2: I LOVE YOU!!!, Idol: Thanks!, etc), you can always hop on and bask in the presence of a star. But don’t expect to ask him about his alcoholic problem or those embarassing white powder stains rumored to be found on his black Porsche seat, the fangirls will kick you off and ban you faster than you can say “Smack my bottom, baby!” 

See, who says I hate fangirls? They do serve a purpose in life. Now excuse me, they are posting a new batch of photos in the “Hugh Jackman Appreciation Thread Part 6”. Oops, duty calls!  

 

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